Is it not true? Most of us stuttering people look back and analyse every single word and sentence we say, every situation, every opinion and every decision. Maybe not all of you, but I used to do it all the time until I was sick and tired of this habit I had developed.
This interesting quote about happiness says it all: One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. The author of this brilliant sentence is an American writer Rita Mae Brown. I love it. It makes me feel free. Do not think about the past all the time, what could have been…
Of course my life is not a disaster and to be honest, looking back, I would not change anything. But as a stuttering person, now mostly fluent, I still can not stop looking back and analysing steps I had done. I sometimes think that I would not be in this situation, if I had done that thing different way. I wish to lose memory from time to time. Imagine forgetting your past and looking only ahead.
But losing memory is not the solution. I have had speech problem for about 18 years and managed to became what the society considers as a normal person. My life has been a big fight and I already forgot the empty days spent at home behind closed curtain just praying to become fluent. My life was only about one thing and I did not learn to look into the future and look forward to being happy, part of this world, married, having a lot of friends around. I was always looking back trying to think what I should had done.
But it’s different now. I overcame stuttering making small conscious or unconscious steps every day. My speech is not fluent, but it does not bother me anymore. What bugs me is that I am still not ready to accept my past, I tend to forget to look only into my future and forget that everything will be just brilliant. It’s not about being 100%, because everyone one has own issues.
It’s about getting it! That I deserve everything I long for and it’s only up to me if I will get it. I am doing my best and love my life. But there are moments I wish to forget the past just to be able to concentrate more on the future. Are you with me?